Responsibility makes me mean
Posted August 5, 2008on:
I could go on and rationalize that I did my best, because I truly did. But then, I could also admit to myself that the best I could give is still not enough to reach the standard I have placed on my self.
I am a goal oriented person and I when I set myself to do something, I expect and force myself to reach it. I only want the best for the student publication and I had been trying very hard to give the best that I can to reach the standard I set for myself.
In my dream of improving, not just the stories that we publish but, the attitude of the writers as well, I am starting to see myself as a tyrant whose only worth in life is to make the life of the writers miserable. I grip them so hard because I know that even if they think that they are already giving their best for the publication, they could still do more.
In my attempt to reach the standard I set for myself and give justice to the responsibilty given to me, I hurt people in the process. I know that, I am aware but I can’t help it.
I don’t want to hurt any of them because, unbelievable it may seen, all of them are important part of my life that I had grown to love and treasure.
I tried being good, a bit lenient, understanding every excuse, giving them more time to accomplish their tasks. But it doesn’t work. I realized that they had grown so familiar with me that sometimes they already tend to forget that even though we are friends, I still have the authority over them.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t like this authority and I am never happy reprimanding the writers.
I never wanted to become an editor. That is the truth written in my heart. I never wanted the responsibility that goes with it but I had been chosen and so, I have to stand by the responsibility given to me. No matter what the people around me will say, deep inside me I still believe that I am not worthy of the position because I still have to know more. I lack the skills, the knowledge and the patience.
Responsibility and leadership are the two most important values in my life. When a position is given to me, I take it seriously. I take it seriously not to impress the people around me but to reach the goals I had set for myself, live up to what is expected of me and prove to myself that I can actually do it. Every leadership position is a great challenge to me because I had always been a failure in it. I never see myself as a leader, I am too perfectionist to be one.
For the past months now I had tried, and failed, to be more relax with the writers. I consider them my equal and I don’t relish the idea of reprimanding any of them because of it. I know I am not greater or better than them despite the position given to me. I think I only snagged it because of my seniority, there are others who are fitted for the job but were not chosen only because they are new.
I tried then and again to be more understanding yet everytime I see them sitting idly around the office or dating while their articles still undone, my temper would rise. I pity those who do their works on time because they are being reprimanded with the others.
I am a mean person and I know it. I hate leadership positions because it makes me meaner and nastier. When I see those under my care fail, I know I have failed too. I hate failures, so I drive them really hard to avoid it.
But no matter how much I try to become a good leader or a good editor, I know I could never be one. I could just go on and keep on trying and failing all over again. Leadership only makes me mean and hurt people around me even if I never wanted to.
I know, I am the most hated person in the office. I know I drive them mad everytime I demand that they pass their articles and gie them strikes when they pass it after the deadline. I know and could more than imagine what they are saying behind my back. I know they resented me for being so demanding and for always reprimanding them. I know but I can’t do anything about it because I have to.
I can’t just sit in a corner and wait for them to move. I can’t just smile at them and tell them its okay everytime they tell me that they cannot pass their articles because if I do, we could never publish at all. I want them to be responsible and know the importance of their works. I want them to have passion in their write-ups. I want them to be the best journalists. I want them to be disciplined people because I don’t want them to be like me.