Me, yes me
Posted August 13, 2008on:
I often think that a person’s perception of himself is not who he really is. That nobody really knew himself, that the people around you are the ones who could actually give you an honest and unbiased assessment of who you are.
If that is so, then who am I? If who I perceive myself to be is not who I am, then who am I? If I perceive myself as human, then does this mean I am not human at all? [Then probably my theory that I am really an angel is true…right? You think so?]
Of course, before you could give an HONEST assessment of who I am, I would like to present to you my perceptions of myself.
I see myself as a lover of secret; a lover of the dark, the creepy, the morbid. I am fascinated by death; how it feels to be dead, what’s after it, everything about it. I fight for peace but I also believe in torture and assassination of anybody who violates the law.
Yes, I believe in the iron hand. An eye for an Eye and a tooth for a tooth. I believe in the value of discipline, of logic. I believe and value logic, yet I also believe that there are some things that defy logic. There are things in this world that is simply unexplainable and are better left alone.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, with a reason and that nothing in this world is ever accidental. I don’t believe that there is such a thing as “NO CHOICE” because even if you don’t do anything or say anything, you already made a choice.
I am skeptical about so many things. I don’t trust easily and very few people I know have gained my trust so easily. I seldom trust the people around me because when I do, I had always been betrayed. There are very few people that I trust yet even to them I cannot share the deepest secrets that I keep.
To a very few things and instances, I am impulsive. Very impulsive. But to matters of great importance to me, I am always cautious.
Like a real Snake, I am fiercely territorial, possessive. Whatever is mine is mine and you can only touch it when I told you to. Like a Dragon, I am bossy and demanding. A real Capricorn, I set goals for myself and work hard to reach it. Sometimes, I build goals that are too high for me to reach and I end up disappointed and hurt. But always, as what Capricorns always do, I stand up and fight tooth and nail to reach my goals.
I also happen to believe in the value of the three Ps: Patience, Persistence and Perseverance in achieving my goals. Simply put, I hardly ever give up.
I always think that if I give my 100% then others must either equal it or surpass it. Nobody has the right to give less when I am giving my all to it. I believe in the idea of team work and cooperation yet I also know that I am more productive when I am working alone. I just can’t stand so many people bickering and arguing over matters that are too shallow or too mundane.
I am ambitious and I believe that being ambitious is better than having no ambitions at all.
Among other things, I pride myself for being born between the Dragon and the Snake—the two strongest characters in the Chinese Zodiac. Like the dragon, I am a free spirit who craves for adventure, for thrill, for life. I detest restrictions yet, as a Snake who is always deem sensible and stable, I placed limitations on myself. And as a free spirit, I hate taking orders especially from people who doesn’t even know what they are talking about. I only follow the rules I set for myself and those I want to follow. I don’t like people telling me what to do with my life because I always believe that only I can decide what I wanted to do with it.
An existentialist, I believe that I am free and responsible to do what I want with my life.
I love solitude and I love being alone. My greatest and worst ideas are products of my solitude. I love silence yet I can be very talkative when I feel like it. I value privacy yet I love sharing a bit of myself to anybody.
I know I am a person with contrasting personalities. Normal human beings actually are. I deem myself as absolutely normal which means I am perfectly imperfect, strives to succeed, prone to fail, seeks for happiness and contentment and basically what every other human beings are.
If my name will be included in a dictionary it will be a synonym to the words; perfectionist, dreamer, tactless, determined, idealistic, reasonable, impulsive, cautious, confident, persistent, impatient in so many things, demanding, aloof, loner and so many other words that is quite tiring to enumerate. Yes, I am all that and I agree with anybody who would define me as that because I know that it is true.
One thing though, I simply refuse to call myself weird, activist, learned and independent. As what I have already stated above, I deemed myself as NORMAL and refuse to be called otherwise. I am idealistic yet I am not an activist because I believe that activism is “all talk, no action” and I am a person who prefers things that has an end-result. I am not independent though I am free. I am not self-reliant enough to be independent. As for learned, I still lack the knowledge to change the world and still has so many important and practical things to learn.
Yes, I want to change the world though I know that I cannot do it alone. That is why, I believe in team work and cooperation.
I can be very violent when the situation calls for it yet caring if I wanted to. I am calm and turbulent, peace and chaos, sweet and bitter, a bit insane yet normal.
This is how I see myself yet your perception will actually depend on how you wanted to see me.
If you want to see me as a person who cares for the things and the people around me then you will see me as such. If you want to see me as a good and loving person then I could probably be one. But if your perception of me is of a spoiled, demanding, tactless and arrogant piece of creation then you will only see in me my flaws.
One thing though, I am never arrogant and I never intend for people to be intimidated by me or fear me. If you see me as such then so be it. I guess I cannot change the way people would want to perceive me no matter how much I try to make them see my good side.
I will not try to be somebody else; I will remain as what I perceived myself to be. Maybe someday somebody will see the good in me and maybe by then you will see it too.
A person is blinded by his ideals and will only see clearly when he realizes that though the compass will always point north, everybody still has an option to go the other way.
I, thank you.