Ang Prinsesang TagLish

reflection on friendship

Posted on: October 8, 2008


For so many years in my short life, I had shed a lot of tears for the few people I can call FRIEND. Remembering the past always hurts as it reminds me of how many friends I’ve lost. Some of them not totally lost but in far away places, others gone forever and some have completely forgotten me.

I had two particular friends whom I cried the most. One is my best friend Shellane. While the other one was Hitler, my dog. I lost them both at the same time.

My best friend left when we were in third year, I never saw her again. The last time I saw her was the day after our final exams. We spent the whole day together and before we parted she even told me that she hoped we could enroll together. We laughed talked and parted happy not knowing that it would be the last. Since then I never saw her again nor did we ever have communication with each other.

My other friend, Hitler, though he is a dog taught me a lot of things. With him I learned to be patient and responsible. He was a nice dog, but then, true to his name and his nature, he was a little bit greedy when it comes to food. He was killed because of it. I wasn’t able to do anything but shed a tear.

In my short life, I had always been left alone. Just as when I get close to a person and just as I finally realize how much they mean to me, the go away and leave me. Losing my two friends was the last straw. I vowed not to get close to anybody again. I decided to put a barrier in my heart that would protect me from the unwanted pains. But then, life is ironic. The more you try to stop yourself, the more you get close to the people around you. Before you realize it, you have once again fallen in to the trap. Once again, you are crying you heart out to the people you have just realized, had engraved a special mark of friendship in your heart.

Somehow, a rational part of me, after much consideration, argumentation, deliberation and meditation believes that the friendship I had with this people will always remain despite of the distance. I somehow realized that friendship is not all about being together at all the time. Friendship cannot be measured by how much time you spend with each other but by how much you treasure each other despite of the wisdom that separates you. The bond we shared will remain despite of the factors that might break it. Fostered by our faith with each other, strengthen by trust and the memories we built and the impressions we engraved in each others heart, I know the friendship will survive. The idea of keeping them all to me is a little bit absurd even for my opinion. I know I cannot possibly keep them all to myself forever because that would mean gripping them too hard breaking their bones, their soul and our friendship. Such selfishness is something I cannot imagine myself doing. I simply love my friends that I’m willing to sacrifice for their good even if that means breaking my heart.

Despite of the pain, I somehow realized that the separation has brought a lot of changes into my life. It has brought me pain but it has also taught me valuable things. The separation allows me to see who among them my true friends are and whom I treasure most.

The distance allows me to re-evaluate myself. What kind of friend have I been to them? What good have they done to me? Are they worthy of my friendship? Am I worthy of them as well?

Though fear creeps into my heart as I think of myself getting close to other people, I know deep inside that can’t possibly stop it from happening. I must admit to my self, though rather reluctantly, that continuing to barricade myself restricts my potential to develop as a person. The experiences I had with these people, though caused me a lot of frustrations and depressions has at least taught me to treasure the people I have as they might be taken from me anytime. Pain has accompanied any relationship and must therefore be expected. I had also learned to let go and move on, look at the bright side and even smile despite of the pain.

I know it would be impossible for me to live alone in this world. I cannot barricade myself forever from the people around me. I could never close my heart and force myself to believe that I don’t need anybody. Slowly, I am opening myself, willing to find another friend and take the risk once more. I don’t mind crying now if it is for the people worthy of my tears. I am once again willing to invest on friendship, no matter how great the risk.

I lost friends. I cried. I had been hurt many times. I had shed too much tears. I was afraid to try and lost again. But realizing that life is a matter of taking risks and getting hurt, falling and learning, I had somehow encouraged myself to try it once more. As one song goes…”maybe this time, it wont end.” I also believe that someday, maybe, just maybe this time I won’t be left alone. Maybe this time, friendship won’t end. I just hope that this time it will last forever, that I won’t be left alone again.

But then, if by any chance it will happen again, I’m still willing to stand up, move on and take another risk. After all, in this life you don’t really lost instead you gain from the experiences you get, from the pain you felt and from the faults you committed.

By losing those friends I had learned to recuperate with pain. I discovered my hidden self as I try to divert my attention to other things. Most of all I learned to view life differently, not with rose colored glasses but as it is.

I used to think that friendship was all about enjoyment and merry making. Now I know it is more than that. In some ways, it is actually education. It is all about learning not with the mind but with the heart. It is all about maturation. Growing up and enjoying it at the same time. After the loss I realized what friendship means. It is more than knowing each other’s name. It is not merely companionship. It is all about unconditional love, acceptance, sacrifice and letting go.

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